Pain as Teacher
Last February, after a long travel from Martha's Vineyard to Los Angeles, which included car, boat, bus, plane and taxi, I put on my yoga pants and found the nearest yoga class. Eager to move stretch and breathe away my travel, the cold winter, stresses, and welcome my ten day vacation to Southern California where I planned on taking as many yoga classes as possible, I jumped into a level 2/3 yoga class. Despite my intentions to feel better, I walked out of that class limping from nerve pain shooting down my right leg that started within seconds after moving out of revolved triangle pose. The next six months went as follows: chiropractic appointments, acupuncture, four weeks of physical therapy, and finally an MRI- the diagnosis- herniated L4-L5 pressing on L5 nerve root. These months were filled with pain, doubt, anxiety, and a whole lots of "shoulds" about my body and my injury. I had been teaching yoga for six years by this time, and continued teaching during the injury, and had put an enormous amount of pressure on myself and my body to be in "top notch", to 'know better" and to "prove something", although i am not quite sure now what that was. I read books, talked to a therapist, and looked into my past, and sought to discover the meaning of the injury.
Pain is a great teacher. It is important to listen to what the pain in my body is telling me, as keys into my soul and as a bridge to my spirit. If the physical manifestation of my injury is in fact a result of long term blocked or an excess of energy in a particular center of my body, then how can I, as Chopra encourages, turn unhealthy energy into healthy energy?
Deepak Chopra reminds us "to resurrect your soul, you must do the opposite of what your past conditioning tells you to. Instead of turning to a higher power, you turn to yourself. Instead of leaving your body behind, you take it on the spiritual journey...even when you lost contact with your soul, your body didn't. Cells keep the faith. They have been using 'higher' awareness since you were born".
It has been humbling, and while very difficult, also a huge gift. And I am grateful. I am learning to be kinder to myself and listen deeper to my body's calling, instead of pushing myself beyond a healthy place. I am more empathetic and compassionate towards others who may be suffering and in pain. I am releasing the pressure of other people's impressions of me and my need to "be strong". I am reminded that my worth is not determined by how many warriors, arm balances and inversions I can perform. I have asked for help, and am allowing myself to receive it. I again meet my yoga practice- the study, my meditation, my breath, and daily gain a deeper respect for this great gift of Yoga. I have been able to work with handful of amazing healers from all traditions, east and west and am beginning to find my personal expression of how I choose to balance the two. I am allowing my husband, my son and friends to cheer me up and bring me back when I go into the dark crevices of "why me?". I am reminded by the hour of how truly devoted my family is to me and allowing that deep feeling of love to penetrate me in every cell. Yes there is faith here. I welcome the moments of physical relief and connection to all of the universe and peace of mind and positivity.
Do not get me wrong, I have also gone to the dark, cloudy, stormy places. To the guilt, to the shadow, to the feeling sorry for myself, to the worry, the blame and anger. And somehow, I seem to come back to my practice, and the clouds seem to move on for a bit. And I recognize that all of this is me, and this is ok.
My work now is to go in, go in, go in; observe habits, reactions, and to find ways to release all I hold on to that no longer serves my soul. To call upon guidance, from my ancestors, my angels, my teachers, my community, my loved ones and the Universe.
I do not yet know what this injury means for me fully, my work as a yoga teacher, my transformations, nor do I know how my process of healing will continue. I do know, however, that while I am so very grateful for the help of Western medicine I believe in the holistic messages of the body- the physical, energetic, emotional, and spirit selves- and my whole self's ability to hear, honor and heed to the calling, heal inside and out, and integrate thoughts and spirit in this process. As for now, the goal is to have no goal.
I have fallen back in love with small things. Like the smell of orange blossoms and the beauty of rain clouds stuffing into the sides of mountains. Like how a funny You Tube video sent by my sister can cheer me up or a spider weaving her web in the lampshade on the desk can send me in amazement. Like how the words "I love you too mom", even with the tone of hesitation, fill me.
My beloved husband Robert has said, ever since the injury came through me last year, that this experience is meant to take me somewhere, "to my calling" he says. And today, I feel he is right.
It is meant to take me on the long journey back home to my spirit.
Originally from NYC, and transported from Los Angeles, CA, Sherry has lived in Martha's Vineyard, MA since 2002. She has been fortunate to offer private and group fitness and yoga classes to many wonderful people from around the country. Sherry officially founded FLY Yoga in 2007. Sherry lives with her husband Robert and son Miles in Vineyard Haven, and teaches FLY Yoga on Martha's Vineyard and Southern California. For more information on Sherry's Yoga classes, workshops and retreats including her Spring cleanse visit www.flyyogamv.com also on facebook.
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